A Farewell Letter

Dearest Sir Lancelot,

    It pains me more than an arrow to the chest to inform you (that means to let you know) that I will only be joining you only on four more performances (you know, what we have been doing on stage).  Herbert's antiquated (sorry Sir, that means old fashioned) text messaging system is not the reason why we must part ways; I have gotten used to that, and I have always expected (thought was coming) some hardships when I signed into your service.  The reason I must leave you is the same reason I joined you, love.  I could tell that underneath your violent tendencies (or urges toward violence) was a loving soul searching for a way around a troubled father son relationship.  Although it was an honor to assist (ahem, help) you to see when your solution fell (literally (sorry Sir, actually) falling from a tower) into your life, I must say goodbye.  There is a certain brunette (dark haired) filly that has caught my eye, and a squire's income hardly impresses (meaning to say doesn't impress).  I must strive for (try to get) bigger and better goals; well maybe bigger, for a better experience will be diff... hard to come by.  I will always cherish (enjoy with all my heart) our time together, Sir.

 Godspeed.

clop, clop, ow!  clop, clop, ow!

Kind Arthur graces us with a post despite being "occupied"

It has been an extraordinary quest thus far, and now a slight pause in our journey. Therefore, while I ice my knees, and Patsy launders my clothes. I have a moment to reflect.

What a privilege to lead such honorable men forth from Camelot! Despite Robin's toupee issues, and Galahad's costume malfunction, Bors completely losing his head in battle, and Lancelot going all soft... mostly soft... look priapism is no laughing matter!! Anyways, despite all that, I think the people have come to love us.
And as King this makes me nearly as happy as if I had a tent full of laker girls... Girls be quiet, I must finish this...Oh, the oil is warmed...

Terribly sorry, it seems there is no rest for the King. Patsy get my chaps! No, no. The velour ones!

A Disgruntled French Youth

Dear mom,

What the HECK!? I never have any fun. That French attack was splendid. Yet you chose to drag me away. Grrrrrrrrr!!! I am ten years old...so LEAVE ME ALONE!

Love,
Your (agitated) daughter

The strangely naked "Sir" Galahad

My fellow knights,
Many of you may be wondering what inspired my nudity prior to my knighting.
Why would Denis, a lowly mud gatherer find it in himself to appear before our sovereign King and lord, on the eve (or should I say "opening") of our Quest, in nothing but waders?
You must understand fellow grail seekers that I myself have asked this question many times! Why?.....
Why was I chosen to seek the grail? Why am I so incomprehensibly handsome? Why do I have perfect hair? Or why does the lady of the lake refuse to acknowledge the love she must have for me?
Now this is all hypothetically speaking but perhaps if I presented my raw, lean body in the purest way (naked) then The Lady would be forced to overlook my lowly beginning.
if she could and see the man beneath the muscles...or behind the wife...or living with his mother.......again as I said all hypothetical.
I myself cannot provide my own diagnosis but must only offer my apologies to you my trusted fellows for displaying my unconquerable good looks in such a way to make you all self-conscious of your own lake of perfect abdominal muscles.

Adieu
Sir Galahad
Knight of the very very etc....round table.

Opening Knight...Black Knight

I told them I could do the job. I begged them, "Please, let me do this for you." But did they listen? No! Instead of allowing me to do my job and letting none pass by they put up a sign that said "Cast Members Only." What kind of deterrent is that? I mean honestly? A sword. That's a deterrent. People see a sword and they think twice before moving forward. At least they had the good sense to make the sign blood red.  Oh well, at least their decision gave me a chance to focus on more pressing matters like finally meeting my nemesis Arthur in manly combat. To my delight it seems I even had some "groupies" in the audience. Fortunately, they had the good sense to remain where they were and I was not forced to slay them as I attempted to do with Arthur.

from The Barracks of the French Guard

Ello, my name is Jacques Perrier and I am a French Guard. I am writing you to complain about somezing I cannot silence myself over forever. The inhumane use of animals by our guard is absolutely despicable and eez in no way formidable. I am appalled that we would use poor, innocent four legged creatures in zee disgusting and degrading ways that we do. Every time we hurl a Holstein cow over zee castle wall I feel awful that they are expected to touch bed wetting English types. I do not disagree with mass slaughter, just the fact that no creature should have to endure zee pain and suffering that comes from interacting with the English.

-Jacques Perrie

The Black Knight reflects on singing....and flesh wounds.

I have increasingly enjoyed our rehearsals as we've left a lot of the singing and dancing behind; now we pull out our swords and make competition. It has been a grueling exercise. I feel the dancing has left me shop and I am now resorting to daily exercises with my sword to regain my lost upper body strength.  So far this has proven a disadvantage as I square up against this Arthur fellow. A few sessions back he managed to score a hit on my left hand which still hasn't completely healed. Fortunately, I am not left handed. And it was only a flesh wound. I was able to finish the fight and send him scurrying off the stage with his squire tow. I was so pleased with myself that I even burst into song. Maybe those singing rehearsals weren't so needless after all.